What is This Thing Called LOVE?

You wake up from a really great nights sleep, yet you are still tired.
You eat your favorite treat, yet you are still upset.
You love your kids, yet you don't like them at the moment.
You begin to question yourself and why you wanted to be a mom in the first place.
You want a clean house, but you don't have the will power to do it. 
You want to stay inside all day, but the sun looks so nice. 
You don't want to talk about it, but it is all that consumes you.
What are all these feelings that have suddenly taken over me?
What are all these negative words that are suddenly encompassing my entire being?
This is what you call Post-Partum Depression.
And I am a victim of it!

With Kyle I got really terrible Post-Partum Depression.  I loved my brand new baby more than words could explain, but I didn't want to be his mom all at the same time. My 2 older girls were on the shortest rope possible and any little thing would send me off the wall.  They got the very worst of me.  But I didn't know how to handle it.  I was just always onery, I was always upset at something, and I just knew I wasn't being the best mom I could be. I always wanted to sleep.  My house was always a mess because I had no willpower. Yet I didn't want to tell anyone because I was ashamed.  Ashamed that I didn't know how to control my emotions, embarrassed because I was being a jerk to everyone I came in contact with. And I didn't ever want anyone coming to my brand new house because I didn't care enough to clean it. I became really good at putting on a happy face when I was around people.  I became someone with split personalities in a way. Because on the outside I seemed happy and cheerful when in public, when in reality I was dying inside. 
I hadn't ever had these feelings before, I think the reason why is because with Kennedy I went and took finals at college 2 weeks after she was born, So I didn't really have time to get depressed or sad.  With Addi I went back to work (we were running a business) 3 days after she was born.  So yet again I didn't really have time to get depressed.  With Kyle I had all the time in the world.  We had a new house, I was now the mother of 3, and I had a Husband who worked 5:30 pm- 6 am.  So at night when I was completely spent, I had to give it just that much more because I didn't have anyone to "take over" per say. It was a very hard situation and I felt every ounce of it. 
At the time there was other "more important" things going on in my family.  Or so I thought. So I never brought it up.  I never once told my husband what I was feeling, instead I was just always mean.  I didn't ever want to be intimate, and I always pushed myself away.  I didn't know how to escape this thing that was suddenly my whole life.  Until I decided something needed to change.

That's when I came upon Beachbody on Demand.  I was able to work out from the comfort of my own home, I could do any kind of workout I wanted to do.  And I could have some ME time! This was a game changer for me.  I would do a couple of workouts a week and would feel amazing.  The times I didn't workout I felt it.  But this was the thing that got me back to being me!

When I became pregnant with Hallie, I was really scared! I was scared that I would become that monster that I was when I had Kyle.  I was scared that, that would be the only thing the kids would remember me by.  So only 3 weeks after my sweet girl was born, I started doing small workouts.  Just something to get my endorphins working.  Then I gradually started working up to more vigorous workouts.  It wasn't because I was ashamed of my body, I mean afterall I just barely gave life to one of the most precious things there every was.  I wasn't sick of feeling overweight.  I NEEDED this for my mental state! The body just came with it! You guys I haven't felt any of the feelings I did with Kyle.  I have felt happy, motivated, and I have felt excited to be with my kids.  Yes I feel exhausted, and yes at times I feel inadequate at times, but what mom doesn't.  WE are entrusted with some of the most precious gifts ever know to man.  That is going to make us feel uneasy at times, but that is where we grow.  If we take those feelings of inadequacy and figure how to combat them and grow from those feelings then we will be so much better!

Being a mother and a wife are the greatest blessings to ever come to me! I'm so grateful that I was able to figure out how to feel better about my circumstances.  I love each of my children, and I'm so grateful for all their unique personalities.  They are each a light to our family.  Also if you randomly show up to my house, it will probably be messy, but thats not because I don't have the willpower any more, its because I have 4 kids ages 6 and under that like to throw toys everywhere! ;)

So please if you are suffering from PPD, please speak up! There is help for you.  Whether it be in the form of therapy, medication, exercising, or service.  There is help for everyone! It is an illness and it is a real thing.  Don't hide from it! Embrace it! 

Hallie Lyn Allred

Well now that we are 2.5 months after the birth of our sweet baby girl, I thought I should write about her birth story.
7:00 am We arrived at the hospital.
We got checked in, walked down to our room, met our amazing nurse, got dressed in the lovely hospital gowns and settled in for the long day ahead of us.
8:00 am I got started on penicillin. For the first time in all pregnancies I tested positive for group B Strep, so I needed penicillin to help keep the baby healthy after she was born.  My Dr. said that I had to have the penicillin in my system for 2 hours before they could start me on Pitocin.  So we sat and waited for those 2 hours to get finished.
10:30 am The nurse checked me and I was dilated to 4 cm.  It was also time to start the Pit.
1:00 pm My parents brought my kids over and just as they got here I got my epidural.  As I was sitting on the bed hunched over getting the epidural, I felt like I peed the bed.  But I knew I didn't because I just barely went pee.  So I told them all that I thought my water had broken. I said either that or I just peed the bed.  They it kept coming out and I knew that my water had broken.  It was such a weird feeling because my waters have never broken on their own.  They have always had to be broken by the dr.  So that was an interesting feeling. We hung out for quite some time.
4:00 pm. Hallie's heart rate started dropping a little bit.  Which was becoming worrisome.  I was also becoming really tired.  I was completely numb which has also never happened before.  I usually have a baby within a half hour of getting the epidural and my water breaking.  So having an epidural in for 3 hours was a really big change.  It was kind of nice though being able to relax and not feel anything.
Because Hallie's heart rate was fluctuating so much the nurse decided we should try having me roll onto my side.  She went and grabbed the peanut ball to try and open my pelvis while I was on my side.  I got situated on my side and the nurse tried to find Hallie's heart beat.  She tried for a good 15 minutes and it was no where to be heard.  We became very worried, so I rolled back onto my back so we could see what was going on.  Once I got onto my back she still couldn't find the heart rate.  So she decided to check me to see if I would be able to start pushing and get my baby out.
She was surprised to see little Miss Hallie crowning out ready to come out.  She quickly called the Dr. and told him he needed to run over to the hospital quickly.  (His clinic is right across the street) He ran over and as he got there he was winded and said he was glad he didn't fall and twist an ankle or anything.  (It was rainy outside so it was a very valid thought) He got there and quickly got set up.  With a few really good pushes our sweet baby Hallie was out and screaming.
5:07 pm  Baby Hallie is born! 7lbs 3 oz.  and 20.5 inches long. David was right there by my side the whole time.  My sister Marissa was in there taking pictures, my mom was in there as a great support and Kennedy decided she would also like to be in there.  (She stood back and didn't see anything) Addi at first thought she wanted to be in there, but after hearing what she could see decided to go out and sit with Papa, Em and Bubba. It was such an amazing experience and every one of my children's births are amazing. When the dr. saw her umbilical cord, he couldn't believe how thick her cord was! It almost needed 2 clamps to clamp it off so David could cut it!

With all of my other babies I have had to have an episiotomy which is never fun at all.  With Hallie I didn't have to have one! You guys the healing was so much better!! I didn't hurt down there and it was so much easier to sit in bed.  I didn't realize how painful they are until I didn't have to have one! I think this was a result of not getting super more doses of Pit than was necessary.  I usually max out on Pit and this time I think I only had half the dose.

This birth was by far the easiest and the easiest to recover from.

Baby #4

I know most people are probably thinking, another baby? Seriously! Don't they know what prevents that. 
Well yes, yes we do.  But honestly I couldn't be more excited to bring another sweet babe into this world.  Everything just felt so right about the timing and although it happened a little sooner than we were expecting, once we really thought about it we were exstatic! This pregnancy has been a little tougher than my others, as in I have just been exhausted! That's probably mostly because I have 3 little ones at home I'm also taking care of.  I also seemed to be a little more sick this pregnancy which was weird.  But that could also be from a lack of sleep.  Now that I'm in my second trimester I'm doing so much better! I feel like a new woman!
About 2 months into this pregnancy I had a very vivid dream that this baby was going to be a girl.  In the dream this little girl had lots of dark hair and chubby cheeks.  She was so perfect.  But then I got thinking, there is no way that could be my baby as all my kids were born without any hair.  So I just assumed I was holding someone elses baby.  But then I had a dream 2 more times with that same baby and I just knew that this baby was a girl! I don't know if she will have tons of hair like in my dream or not but one can dream right? :)
This baby is already so loved.  We went in for our first ultrasound at 14 weeks and got to find out the gender and see our sweet baby. We decided to go in this early because Grandma was in town and we wanted her to be able to participate in something special with this baby, so when I found a place in orem that did ultrasounds at 14 weeks I was so excited! It was so great having her there and get to see our little girl. It was so neat getting to see her and watch all her little movements.  The ultrasound tech got some amazing pictures of her kicking me and waving to us.  Kyle got so into the ultrasound.  He was so fixated on it all.  I told him she was giving him a high 5, so he would reach his hand up to the ultrasound picture and say high 5! Then he said knuckles and I'm pretty sure she did knuckles to him.  I have a feeling these two are going to be great pals and he will protect her so well.  The girls weren't super interested in it.  The place we went had new toys so they were way more involved in that. 
At the ultrasound we had the tech just write out what the baby was on the screen so we could keep it a secret from the kids until we got home.  Then when we got home we invited my family over and the kids bit into a cupcake to find pink frosting in the middle.  The girls were so excited! Kennedy would have been pretty upset if it was a boy, but I know she would have grown to love that little boy. 
A couple of weeks ago I was changing Kyle and he kept looking up into the corner of the ceiling.  I asked him what he was looking at and he told me," God, baby".  I asked him again what he was looking at and he said the same thing.  It was a very precious moment and I was so grateful to feel the presence of our sweet babe there.  I have no doubt that he has already seen this baby and that he is looking forward to her being here. 
Although we don't really have a name for her yet, we are still so in love with her.  Its still kind of surreal that we are having another one, but we are all so excited! This week I have felt her movements a little more and Its so amazing! I do love being pregnant and feeling the baby inside of me.  The human body is truly amazing!

Now here are just a few pictures of our sweet girl!

High Five 

Knuckles 

I love you

Addilee IS HOME

I figured this would be the best way to update everyone about little Miss Addi.


On Friday night little miss Addi was up all night with a croupy cough.  I know that cough all too well as both girls have gotten it every year since they were babies.  So that sound was not a new one. I cuddled with her in a steamy bathroom for quite some time.  I did that twice in the night.  Then that morning I sat by the front door with her with the door open to get some cold air in. I did that with her numerous times.   We went downstairs and cuddled for a while and watched some movies. All the while her breathing was very rapid. Nothing seemed to help it slow down.  One time while I was cuddling her outside I said a silent prayer to myself that I would know if I needed to take her to a dr. I got the inspiration that yes I did indeed need to take her in. I took Kennedy and Kyle over to my parents house and then Kennedy ended up with a pretty high fever so I decided I should take her up too. My mom bless her heart decided to come with me even though she had to work the next day at 1 in the morning.  And she had just   gotten home from work right before we went up.  (Things Always happen  when David has his 4 day work weekend) So we made the journey up to Payson Instacare (thanks to living in a small town and the only thing available is the ER). Anyways we got to instacare and they got us in really fast! They checked Kennedy over and discovered she had an ear infection.  They then checked Addi over and decided that she needed to be seen at the ER. due to her rapid breathing and her bad Stridor. My mom and I decided to just go to the hospital in Payson. We arrived and they got us right in.  They checked her over and gave her a steroid to help open her air way.  Shortly after that they gave her a breathing treatment.  At this point her pulse was staying right around 175 (normal range is 70-110 bpm). They then decided to get a chest x-ray to make sure there wasn't pneumonia. 

We sat and waited for around 2 hours then the dr. came in and checked her.  She was sounding a little better but her pulse was still really high and her breathing was still not where it needed to be.  They decided to give her another breathing treatment to see if that would help.  She absolutely HATED the breathing treatment.  But we got that taken care of and she became feverish even after tylenol was given.  They decided to just admit her.  At this point I had been in contact with some great friends from Payson who came to give Addi a blessing, bring us some snacks, and to take Kennedy to their house to sleep the night there.  My mom also ended up going there to get some sleep. Thank you so much Niki and Jerm you guys are angels!

 Right after they all left the nurses needed to give Addi an IV. Well 5 tries later and a broken hearted mommy they finally got an IV in.  After that they had to suction out her nose which was another tough task especially because she was completely exhausted! It was now 11:00pm.  She finally fell asleep and it was now time to go up to our room on the pediactrics floor. There they had the perfect Minnie Mouse Pillow Case and a soft yellow blanket.  She didn't get to see any of these until morning because she was out! Her heart rate was finally slowing down and she was settling in really good.  They had to ask me a bunch of questions before I could get settled in.  So it was about 1 by the time I got to bed. Then they were in there every hour to check her.  So It was a long night.  She would occasionally wake up from coughing and just thrash around, not even I could settle her down.  It broke my heart all over again.  Morning came and the first thing she wanted to do was color some pictures.  I got out the coloring book and crayons they gave her the night before and she colored away.  She was feeling so much better! And my girl was finally coming back. I cannot say enough good things about the Payson Hospital and staff! They were all great to work with. They took great care of my sweet girl.  When she said that all she wanted to eat was cheese sticks, they searched the whole hospital until they could find a handful of them.  They brought her a little stuffed doll and a stuffed bear.  My sweet girl was such a trooper and was so stinking cute.  The nurses just couldn't get enough of her and her cute personality.  They all loved her freckles and her cute voice.  Thank you Payson hospital!

When I woke up that morning I received a text that my baby boy who was home with my sister had been coughing all night and throwing up.  He continued to throw up until later that morning.  :(


We are now home and relaxing.  Addi is doing better for the most part.  Kennedy is doing better for the most part, I will most likely be taking Kyle in to the dr. tomorrow for a possible ear infection.  Thank you for all your prayers and concerns. Thanks to everyone who helped me out.

Only Go Up from Here

Heavenly Father Are you Really There?

I'm not super great with words and I hope that someday I can look back at this post and remember I never want to be in this situation again.

Tonight my relationship with my girls hit rock bottom.  I yelled at them and really scared them.  You know like that moment in Monsters Inc.  where Sully is required to do a scare demonstration and Boo comes in the room and become so terrified.  Kennedy became that way, and the worst part about it is I couldn't stop.  I'm getting teary eyed just writing this because I don't understand who I have become.  I don't understand why I found so much gratification in yelling at my little girl who tries so hard to please me and looks up to me.  I sat down to dinner and all she kept saying was mommy you really scared me. You made my tummy jump, and it is still kinda jumping. But I do still love you because we all make mistakes.  It broke my heart to hear her say that over and over again.

What do you do when your outlets no longer work?  Usually I can work out/ exercise to get rid of my frustrations.  When that doesn't work I can usually go to Photography.  But to no avail neither has worked.  I have hit rock bottom.  I guess the best part of hitting rock bottom is that there is only one way to go and that is up.

"Sometimes God lets you hit rick bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom.
As I sit here and ponder this quote it hits me hard.  Its a great reminder that the one thing that we truly need when we hit rock bottom is our Savior! I know that I could sure open way more doors to Him in my life and I know that when I do that things will get better.  Sometimes we have to go through the hardest things in life, to become the best version of ourselves.  We don't always understand why certain things happen to certain people.  But we do always need to see everyone through the Lords eyes.  I know that in my time of despair and my time of turmoil I just wish that I could do something for me and I wish that someone else would come to my aid.  But its those times that I truly need to serve someone else.  I need to find someone else that may be struggling and aid them.  Even if it is my own children.  I so often overlook them and don't think of them as needing my help, when in reality they could use my service so often. I do know that I am a great mother and I know that everyone makes mistakes and sometimes Satan gets a good hold of you.  In conjunction with that, it also helps me to understand that I need my Father in Heaven, I need that constant support, I need that love and compassion.  I know that He knows my children's needs and that he will guide me in the direction I need to go.  I know that if I pray for patience and understanding, He will give me opportunities to be more patient.  But he will also be holding my hand the whole way there.  As with a calling in the Church, if we are called to it we will be led and guided the whole time, IF we heed to His council and IF we abide by his words and love.

I do love my kids more than life itself and we do have some pretty amazing times! Sometimes motherhood is hard! I don't take even one minute for granted.  I know there are so many people that wish they could stay at home with their sweet babies.  But sometimes its just hard.  Its physically, mentally and emotionally draining.  I know that my hardest times with my kids are when I'm just so exhausted and I don't have anything left in the tank.  I know that's what happened today.  I also know that we as full time moms need to take time for ourselves.  Its just a matter of what that has me in a bind.  Thanks to everyone that has helped me and has uplifted me in one way or another.  Please if you are struggling please tell me how I can better serve you.