What is This Thing Called LOVE?

You wake up from a really great nights sleep, yet you are still tired.
You eat your favorite treat, yet you are still upset.
You love your kids, yet you don't like them at the moment.
You begin to question yourself and why you wanted to be a mom in the first place.
You want a clean house, but you don't have the will power to do it. 
You want to stay inside all day, but the sun looks so nice. 
You don't want to talk about it, but it is all that consumes you.
What are all these feelings that have suddenly taken over me?
What are all these negative words that are suddenly encompassing my entire being?
This is what you call Post-Partum Depression.
And I am a victim of it!

With Kyle I got really terrible Post-Partum Depression.  I loved my brand new baby more than words could explain, but I didn't want to be his mom all at the same time. My 2 older girls were on the shortest rope possible and any little thing would send me off the wall.  They got the very worst of me.  But I didn't know how to handle it.  I was just always onery, I was always upset at something, and I just knew I wasn't being the best mom I could be. I always wanted to sleep.  My house was always a mess because I had no willpower. Yet I didn't want to tell anyone because I was ashamed.  Ashamed that I didn't know how to control my emotions, embarrassed because I was being a jerk to everyone I came in contact with. And I didn't ever want anyone coming to my brand new house because I didn't care enough to clean it. I became really good at putting on a happy face when I was around people.  I became someone with split personalities in a way. Because on the outside I seemed happy and cheerful when in public, when in reality I was dying inside. 
I hadn't ever had these feelings before, I think the reason why is because with Kennedy I went and took finals at college 2 weeks after she was born, So I didn't really have time to get depressed or sad.  With Addi I went back to work (we were running a business) 3 days after she was born.  So yet again I didn't really have time to get depressed.  With Kyle I had all the time in the world.  We had a new house, I was now the mother of 3, and I had a Husband who worked 5:30 pm- 6 am.  So at night when I was completely spent, I had to give it just that much more because I didn't have anyone to "take over" per say. It was a very hard situation and I felt every ounce of it. 
At the time there was other "more important" things going on in my family.  Or so I thought. So I never brought it up.  I never once told my husband what I was feeling, instead I was just always mean.  I didn't ever want to be intimate, and I always pushed myself away.  I didn't know how to escape this thing that was suddenly my whole life.  Until I decided something needed to change.

That's when I came upon Beachbody on Demand.  I was able to work out from the comfort of my own home, I could do any kind of workout I wanted to do.  And I could have some ME time! This was a game changer for me.  I would do a couple of workouts a week and would feel amazing.  The times I didn't workout I felt it.  But this was the thing that got me back to being me!

When I became pregnant with Hallie, I was really scared! I was scared that I would become that monster that I was when I had Kyle.  I was scared that, that would be the only thing the kids would remember me by.  So only 3 weeks after my sweet girl was born, I started doing small workouts.  Just something to get my endorphins working.  Then I gradually started working up to more vigorous workouts.  It wasn't because I was ashamed of my body, I mean afterall I just barely gave life to one of the most precious things there every was.  I wasn't sick of feeling overweight.  I NEEDED this for my mental state! The body just came with it! You guys I haven't felt any of the feelings I did with Kyle.  I have felt happy, motivated, and I have felt excited to be with my kids.  Yes I feel exhausted, and yes at times I feel inadequate at times, but what mom doesn't.  WE are entrusted with some of the most precious gifts ever know to man.  That is going to make us feel uneasy at times, but that is where we grow.  If we take those feelings of inadequacy and figure how to combat them and grow from those feelings then we will be so much better!

Being a mother and a wife are the greatest blessings to ever come to me! I'm so grateful that I was able to figure out how to feel better about my circumstances.  I love each of my children, and I'm so grateful for all their unique personalities.  They are each a light to our family.  Also if you randomly show up to my house, it will probably be messy, but thats not because I don't have the willpower any more, its because I have 4 kids ages 6 and under that like to throw toys everywhere! ;)

So please if you are suffering from PPD, please speak up! There is help for you.  Whether it be in the form of therapy, medication, exercising, or service.  There is help for everyone! It is an illness and it is a real thing.  Don't hide from it! Embrace it! 

Hallie Lyn Allred

Well now that we are 2.5 months after the birth of our sweet baby girl, I thought I should write about her birth story.
7:00 am We arrived at the hospital.
We got checked in, walked down to our room, met our amazing nurse, got dressed in the lovely hospital gowns and settled in for the long day ahead of us.
8:00 am I got started on penicillin. For the first time in all pregnancies I tested positive for group B Strep, so I needed penicillin to help keep the baby healthy after she was born.  My Dr. said that I had to have the penicillin in my system for 2 hours before they could start me on Pitocin.  So we sat and waited for those 2 hours to get finished.
10:30 am The nurse checked me and I was dilated to 4 cm.  It was also time to start the Pit.
1:00 pm My parents brought my kids over and just as they got here I got my epidural.  As I was sitting on the bed hunched over getting the epidural, I felt like I peed the bed.  But I knew I didn't because I just barely went pee.  So I told them all that I thought my water had broken. I said either that or I just peed the bed.  They it kept coming out and I knew that my water had broken.  It was such a weird feeling because my waters have never broken on their own.  They have always had to be broken by the dr.  So that was an interesting feeling. We hung out for quite some time.
4:00 pm. Hallie's heart rate started dropping a little bit.  Which was becoming worrisome.  I was also becoming really tired.  I was completely numb which has also never happened before.  I usually have a baby within a half hour of getting the epidural and my water breaking.  So having an epidural in for 3 hours was a really big change.  It was kind of nice though being able to relax and not feel anything.
Because Hallie's heart rate was fluctuating so much the nurse decided we should try having me roll onto my side.  She went and grabbed the peanut ball to try and open my pelvis while I was on my side.  I got situated on my side and the nurse tried to find Hallie's heart beat.  She tried for a good 15 minutes and it was no where to be heard.  We became very worried, so I rolled back onto my back so we could see what was going on.  Once I got onto my back she still couldn't find the heart rate.  So she decided to check me to see if I would be able to start pushing and get my baby out.
She was surprised to see little Miss Hallie crowning out ready to come out.  She quickly called the Dr. and told him he needed to run over to the hospital quickly.  (His clinic is right across the street) He ran over and as he got there he was winded and said he was glad he didn't fall and twist an ankle or anything.  (It was rainy outside so it was a very valid thought) He got there and quickly got set up.  With a few really good pushes our sweet baby Hallie was out and screaming.
5:07 pm  Baby Hallie is born! 7lbs 3 oz.  and 20.5 inches long. David was right there by my side the whole time.  My sister Marissa was in there taking pictures, my mom was in there as a great support and Kennedy decided she would also like to be in there.  (She stood back and didn't see anything) Addi at first thought she wanted to be in there, but after hearing what she could see decided to go out and sit with Papa, Em and Bubba. It was such an amazing experience and every one of my children's births are amazing. When the dr. saw her umbilical cord, he couldn't believe how thick her cord was! It almost needed 2 clamps to clamp it off so David could cut it!

With all of my other babies I have had to have an episiotomy which is never fun at all.  With Hallie I didn't have to have one! You guys the healing was so much better!! I didn't hurt down there and it was so much easier to sit in bed.  I didn't realize how painful they are until I didn't have to have one! I think this was a result of not getting super more doses of Pit than was necessary.  I usually max out on Pit and this time I think I only had half the dose.

This birth was by far the easiest and the easiest to recover from.