What is This Thing Called LOVE?

You wake up from a really great nights sleep, yet you are still tired.
You eat your favorite treat, yet you are still upset.
You love your kids, yet you don't like them at the moment.
You begin to question yourself and why you wanted to be a mom in the first place.
You want a clean house, but you don't have the will power to do it. 
You want to stay inside all day, but the sun looks so nice. 
You don't want to talk about it, but it is all that consumes you.
What are all these feelings that have suddenly taken over me?
What are all these negative words that are suddenly encompassing my entire being?
This is what you call Post-Partum Depression.
And I am a victim of it!

With Kyle I got really terrible Post-Partum Depression.  I loved my brand new baby more than words could explain, but I didn't want to be his mom all at the same time. My 2 older girls were on the shortest rope possible and any little thing would send me off the wall.  They got the very worst of me.  But I didn't know how to handle it.  I was just always onery, I was always upset at something, and I just knew I wasn't being the best mom I could be. I always wanted to sleep.  My house was always a mess because I had no willpower. Yet I didn't want to tell anyone because I was ashamed.  Ashamed that I didn't know how to control my emotions, embarrassed because I was being a jerk to everyone I came in contact with. And I didn't ever want anyone coming to my brand new house because I didn't care enough to clean it. I became really good at putting on a happy face when I was around people.  I became someone with split personalities in a way. Because on the outside I seemed happy and cheerful when in public, when in reality I was dying inside. 
I hadn't ever had these feelings before, I think the reason why is because with Kennedy I went and took finals at college 2 weeks after she was born, So I didn't really have time to get depressed or sad.  With Addi I went back to work (we were running a business) 3 days after she was born.  So yet again I didn't really have time to get depressed.  With Kyle I had all the time in the world.  We had a new house, I was now the mother of 3, and I had a Husband who worked 5:30 pm- 6 am.  So at night when I was completely spent, I had to give it just that much more because I didn't have anyone to "take over" per say. It was a very hard situation and I felt every ounce of it. 
At the time there was other "more important" things going on in my family.  Or so I thought. So I never brought it up.  I never once told my husband what I was feeling, instead I was just always mean.  I didn't ever want to be intimate, and I always pushed myself away.  I didn't know how to escape this thing that was suddenly my whole life.  Until I decided something needed to change.

That's when I came upon Beachbody on Demand.  I was able to work out from the comfort of my own home, I could do any kind of workout I wanted to do.  And I could have some ME time! This was a game changer for me.  I would do a couple of workouts a week and would feel amazing.  The times I didn't workout I felt it.  But this was the thing that got me back to being me!

When I became pregnant with Hallie, I was really scared! I was scared that I would become that monster that I was when I had Kyle.  I was scared that, that would be the only thing the kids would remember me by.  So only 3 weeks after my sweet girl was born, I started doing small workouts.  Just something to get my endorphins working.  Then I gradually started working up to more vigorous workouts.  It wasn't because I was ashamed of my body, I mean afterall I just barely gave life to one of the most precious things there every was.  I wasn't sick of feeling overweight.  I NEEDED this for my mental state! The body just came with it! You guys I haven't felt any of the feelings I did with Kyle.  I have felt happy, motivated, and I have felt excited to be with my kids.  Yes I feel exhausted, and yes at times I feel inadequate at times, but what mom doesn't.  WE are entrusted with some of the most precious gifts ever know to man.  That is going to make us feel uneasy at times, but that is where we grow.  If we take those feelings of inadequacy and figure how to combat them and grow from those feelings then we will be so much better!

Being a mother and a wife are the greatest blessings to ever come to me! I'm so grateful that I was able to figure out how to feel better about my circumstances.  I love each of my children, and I'm so grateful for all their unique personalities.  They are each a light to our family.  Also if you randomly show up to my house, it will probably be messy, but thats not because I don't have the willpower any more, its because I have 4 kids ages 6 and under that like to throw toys everywhere! ;)

So please if you are suffering from PPD, please speak up! There is help for you.  Whether it be in the form of therapy, medication, exercising, or service.  There is help for everyone! It is an illness and it is a real thing.  Don't hide from it! Embrace it!