Voting

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Addilee IS HOME






I figured this would be the best way to update everyone about little Miss Addi.


On Friday night little miss Addi was up all night with a croupy cough.  I know that cough all too well as both girls have gotten it every year since they were babies.  So that sound was not a new one. I cuddled with her in a steamy bathroom for quite some time.  I did that twice in the night.  Then that morning I sat by the front door with her with the door open to get some cold air in. I did that with her numerous times.   We went downstairs and cuddled for a while and watched some movies. All the while her breathing was very rapid. Nothing seemed to help it slow down.  One time while I was cuddling her outside I said a silent prayer to myself that I would know if I needed to take her to a dr. I got the inspiration that yes I did indeed need to take her in. I took Kennedy and Kyle over to my parents house and then Kennedy ended up with a pretty high fever so I decided I should take her up too. My mom bless her heart decided to come with me even though she had to work the next day at 1 in the morning.  And she had just   gotten home from work right before we went up.  (Things Always happen  when David has his 4 day work weekend) So we made the journey up to Payson Instacare (thanks to living in a small town and the only thing available is the ER). Anyways we got to instacare and they got us in really fast! They checked Kennedy over and discovered she had an ear infection.  They then checked Addi over and decided that she needed to be seen at the ER. due to her rapid breathing and her bad Stridor. My mom and I decided to just go to the hospital in Payson. We arrived and they got us right in.  They checked her over and gave her a steroid to help open her air way.  Shortly after that they gave her a breathing treatment.  At this point her pulse was staying right around 175 (normal range is 70-110 bpm). They then decided to get a chest x-ray to make sure there wasn't pneumonia. 

We sat and waited for around 2 hours then the dr. came in and checked her.  She was sounding a little better but her pulse was still really high and her breathing was still not where it needed to be.  They decided to give her another breathing treatment to see if that would help.  She absolutely HATED the breathing treatment.  But we got that taken care of and she became feverish even after tylenol was given.  They decided to just admit her.  At this point I had been in contact with some great friends from Payson who came to give Addi a blessing, bring us some snacks, and to take Kennedy to their house to sleep the night there.  My mom also ended up going there to get some sleep. Thank you so much Niki and Jerm you guys are angels!
 Right after they all left the nurses needed to give Addi an IV. Well 5 tries later and a broken hearted mommy they finally got an IV in.  After that they had to suction out her nose which was another tough task especially because she was completely exhausted! It was now 11:00pm.  She finally fell asleep and it was now time to go up to our room on the pediactrics floor. There they had the perfect Minnie Mouse Pillow Case and a soft yellow blanket.  She didn't get to see any of these until morning because she was out! Her heart rate was finally slowing down and she was settling in really good.  They had to ask me a bunch of questions before I could get settled in.  So it was about 1 by the time I got to bed. Then they were in there every hour to check her.  So It was a long night.  She would occasionally wake up from coughing and just thrash around, not even I could settle her down.  It broke my heart all over again.  Morning came and the first thing she wanted to do was color some pictures.  I got out the coloring book and crayons they gave her the night before and she colored away.  She was feeling so much better! And my girl was finally coming back. I cannot say enough good things about the Payson Hospital and staff! They were all great to work with. They took great care of my sweet girl.  When she said that all she wanted to eat was cheese sticks, they searched the whole hospital until they could find a handful of them.  They brought her a little stuffed doll and a stuffed bear.  My sweet girl was such a trooper and was so stinking cute.  The nurses just couldn't get enough of her and her cute personality.  They all loved her freckles and her cute voice.  Thank you Payson hospital!

When I woke up that morning I received a text that my baby boy who was home with my sister had been coughing all night and throwing up.  He continued to throw up until later that morning.  :(


We are now home and relaxing.  Addi is doing better for the most part.  Kennedy is doing better for the most part, I will most likely be taking Kyle in to the dr. tomorrow for a possible ear infection.  Thank you for all your prayers and concerns. Thanks to everyone who helped me out.
video








Thursday, September 21, 2017

Only Go Up from Here

Heavenly Father Are you Really There?
I'm not super great with words and I hope that someday I can look back at this post and remember I never want to be in this situation again.

Tonight my relationship with my girls hit rock bottom.  I yelled at them and really scared them.  You know like that moment in Monsters Inc.  where Sully is required to do a scare demonstration and Boo comes in the room and become so terrified.  Kennedy became that way, and the worst part about it is I couldn't stop.  I'm getting teary eyed just writing this because I don't understand who I have become.  I don't understand why I found so much gratification in yelling at my little girl who tries so hard to please me and looks up to me.  I sat down to dinner and all she kept saying was mommy you really scared me. You made my tummy jump, and it is still kinda jumping. But I do still love you because we all make mistakes.  It broke my heart to hear her say that over and over again.

What do you do when your outlets no longer work?  Usually I can work out/ exercise to get rid of my frustrations.  When that doesn't work I can usually go to Photography.  But to no avail neither has worked.  I have hit rock bottom.  I guess the best part of hitting rock bottom is that there is only one way to go and that is up.

"Sometimes God lets you hit rick bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom.
As I sit here and ponder this quote it hits me hard.  Its a great reminder that the one thing that we truly need when we hit rock bottom is our Savior! I know that I could sure open way more doors to Him in my life and I know that when I do that things will get better.  Sometimes we have to go through the hardest things in life, to become the best version of ourselves.  We don't always understand why certain things happen to certain people.  But we do always need to see everyone through the Lords eyes.  I know that in my time of despair and my time of turmoil I just wish that I could do something for me and I wish that someone else would come to my aid.  But its those times that I truly need to serve someone else.  I need to find someone else that may be struggling and aid them.  Even if it is my own children.  I so often overlook them and don't think of them as needing my help, when in reality they could use my service so often. I do know that I am a great mother and I know that everyone makes mistakes and sometimes Satan gets a good hold of you.  In conjunction with that, it also helps me to understand that I need my Father in Heaven, I need that constant support, I need that love and compassion.  I know that He knows my children's needs and that he will guide me in the direction I need to go.  I know that if I pray for patience and understanding, He will give me opportunities to be more patient.  But he will also be holding my hand the whole way there.  As with a calling in the Church, if we are called to it we will be led and guided the whole time, IF we heed to His council and IF we abide by his words and love.


I do love my kids more than life itself and we do have some pretty amazing times! Sometimes motherhood is hard! I don't take even one minute for granted.  I know there are so many people that wish they could stay at home with their sweet babies.  But sometimes its just hard.  Its physically, mentally and emotionally draining.  I know that my hardest times with my kids are when I'm just so exhausted and I don't have anything left in the tank.  I know that's what happened today.  I also know that we as full time moms need to take time for ourselves.  Its just a matter of what that has me in a bind.  Thanks to everyone that has helped me and has uplifted me in one way or another.  Please if you are struggling please tell me how I can better serve you.















Friday, May 5, 2017

Broken!

You guys I broke! Last night I just broke.  I have been doing so good I have kept my temper cool and calm and handled situations with my kids without any yelling.  Until last night! Last night was not my night.  I was on day 2 of taking care of a sick, very needy little girl.  I hadn't gotten any sleep in 2 nights Davy had worked the last 2 nights and still had 3 to go and I just couldn't keep my cool.  I put Kyle to bed and he went down so easily.  Now it was time to get the girls to bed. It was already 1 hr past their bed time so I knew it would be difficult.  I asked them nicely to get their jammies on and get ready for bed while I went to the bathroom.  The entire time I was in there I heard yelling and crying and fighting.  I stayed in there a little longer to see if they would work things out and it just kept escalading, well my temper escaladed as well and I snapped! I got so upset.  I'm sure the whole neighborhood could hear. I immediately regretted my decision.  I scared my kids.  I scared myself! Why did I just do that? I didn't even fully know what had happened I just assumed the worst and I snapped!
Why is it so much easier to have patience with other kids and let them do things on their own time.  I just did a photoshoot the other day with the sweetest family.  I LOVE working with kids! It is something I really enjoy.  But I also know things have to be on their time.  And guess what, I give them that time.  I know that eventually they will come around and want to take part in what we are doing.  I always look for ways to interest them and make them want to be involved.  So why can't I do this with my own kids? Why do I struggle so much in the motherhood department. 
Sometimes it is just really hard! It is a job I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING yet it pushes me to my limits so often.  My house has suffered because I have spent so much time cuddling sick babies.  Yet I still feel so overworked.  At the end of the day I am always so exhausted!  It is my goal to be more patient! To treat my kids with more respect and to gain an understanding of where they are coming from. 

Last night I turned a new leaf.  How will my kids remember me? Will they remember me as the mom that always has my nose in my computer/phone? Or will they remember me as someone that played with them and was there for them? Will they remember me as the mom that always yelled at them and didn't ever take time to listen? Or will they remember me as the mom that understood and listened to them and helped them to understand the way they are feeling?
I want my kids to remember me for the good! I want them to bring their friends over and I want them to want to be home.  I love my kids with every fiber of my being! I love them more than words can describe! Although I may have been broken, I am picking up the pieces I am becoming the mom that my kids need! This world is so harsh, they need the example that I know I can be!


"When life changes to be harder, Change yourself to be stronger.
What hurts you today makes you stronger tomorrow."
Edwin Mamarto







Wednesday, November 30, 2016

I Found My Outlet!

For those of you that were brave enough to read my first post, thank you! Thank you for your input and support! Thank you for being there for me! I do know that there are people out there that are willing to listen and that are there to talk to. So I thank you for that.

As I was sitting here writing about my experiences I have been having, I was being "that mom".  The mom that only saw the negative things in my kids.  The mom that just wanted to be alone, the mom that snapped at every little thing my kids were doing. I was being that mom I was just explaining in my blog and I didn't even realize it.  I didn't realize it until I wasn't being "that mom".  As I got further and further into writing my feelings out I realized I became more patient, more kind, more understanding, and a better mom.  As I was making myself more and more vulnerable I found I was becoming a better person.  At first I saw my kids a bugging me, yelling, screaming, running around the house, when they really should have been in bed.  But as I kept writing I found the good in them running around the house and laughing.  The girls were actually getting along, they were playing really well with each other.  They were getting all their energy out so they would sleep great.  I saw all of these qualities that just a few minutes before I had missed.  It was amazing how quickly that switch flipped.  I couldn't even believe what I was seeing and how drastic the change had been.

I was really hesitant to posting that first post about PPD.  I would share it to my facebook page then I would delete it.  I did that a couple of times.  I was finally getting ready to delete it for real when Kennedy needed me. We forgot to have family prayer, so I left my phone and went in and had prayer with her.  When I returned I already had comments on my post, I still second guessed ever posting it because of how vulnerable it made me.  I really put myself out there and I didn't like how uncomfortable it made me.  But as I woke up  this morning I felt such a heavy burden was lifted up off my shoulders! I felt so much lighter and I felt like it was a new start.

So as I battle with this I hope to not only help myself overcome these feelings inside of me, but I hope to inspire those around me and hope to build a strong connection with other people that may be drowning, and not know how to come back up.

Thank you again to everyone for your love and support!


And now some Wednesday inspiration.  This is one of my most favorite talks!

Good things to come

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

PPD

I just need a break, I can't do this any more, I need a vacation away from my family, these were the words I kept saying.  Its all I could think about.  I didn't know how to get released.  I didn't know where I could go.  I didn't know who I could tell.  All I knew is that I needed a break. I needed a break from life, from my kids, husband, house work, everything.  I needed to do something for me! But why? I have 3 beautiful kids, a beautiful house, a great husband who has a good job that supports us financially, loving family members and food on the table every night, I have a strong religion that helps my spirituality and faith, and I have things for my kids for Christmas.  But something was still missing.  My life still felt empty.

I was finding fault in everything.  I was blaming everyone else for everything.  I was being so negative in everything I was doing.  Constantly yelling at my kids.  Barking at them just for wanting a hug.  I wasn't even thinking, they are kids they should be acting as such.  But the crying, the yelling, the running around the house was making me turn into such a beast.  My youngest who is now almost 6 months has been really tough.  He cries so often.  He has been extremely fussy lately and I didn't how to handle it.  I try and feed him and the girls run up and distract him.  I put him down and he just cried more.  I just felt like there was no hope.  There wasn't anything that was helping.  I hadn't ever felt this way before.  I didn't like it, but I didn't know what else to do or be.  I was lost.  I was broken.  I was inadequate.  I wasn't a good mom, I wasn't a good wife, or homemaker, or primary teacher.  I wasn't anything. Why was I faking it until I made it? I felt like I was never going to make it.  Instead I was faking it until I broke.  I felt like I was in the very lowest part of my life.  I had hit rock bottom.  I needed a hand up but I didn't know where to look for it. Why did God give me all these things to be, but not give me the necessary skills to accomplish them? Why did God trust me to teach these 3 beautiful children more about Him, or more about the world we live in? I couldn't do it.  I didn't want to do it.  I wanted to stay in bed and do nothing.  I didn't find joy in being with my kids.  I didn't find joy in anything.  I was stuck in this pit that didn't have any way out.  I was ignoring everything around me.  I just plain didn't care! I was working out, eating right and trying to do those things that usually helped me feel good, but it just wasn't working.  I didn't want to admit it but I was defeated! But I couldn't be this was my calling in life.  To be a mother, wife and homemaker.  Why couldn't I be that?...

This is real.  This is the life of Post-Partum Depression.  It is a real thing.  I didn't think it was.  I wondered how could a woman not love her kids.  How could an amazing mom & housewife, just crack and just not be okay? How was this so. How could you just not feel anything?  Well I found out first hand.  I found out what it was like to suffer and to not be okay.

I think that we as moms hold ourselves to such a high standard, a standard that is so unattainable that when we aren't that "Supermom" we become broken.  When we maybe go to the grocery store in a mom bun and yoga pants, with all 3 kids in their PJ's still it really is okay.  At least we got out and got our things done.  Its okay if we feed our kids Ramen Noodles for dinner 3 nights in a row just because you didn't have time to make anything else.  I know that without a doubt I needed to write this as a letter of hope to myself.  I need to remember that although things may not be okay right now, they will get better.  Bask in the moments that my kids are playing well together.  Take time to hug them. Take time to listen to their stories.  Take time to cuddle them.  And it is okay to take a break from them sometimes.

I am not one that has suffered with depression my whole life.  I am not one that was bullied in school.  I am not one that was supposed to have "problems" like this.  You always think that will never happen to me.  I'm such a happy person.  I love my kids way too much to have that happen.  And then it strikes.  You wonder why? And you wonder how can I overcome this?  Why is this happening to me at this point in my life.  Life was so easy with my first two.  I had Kennedy and went and took College finals 2 weeks after she was born.  I had Addi and 4 days after she was born I had to go back to work.  Why is this happening with this one when I have all the time in the world with him and with my kids? I think we as moms need an outlet at times.  We need to get out of the house and just be us momentarily.  We need to remember who we were before we had kids.  But we also need to remember that we matter too.  Our needs matter.  We are always willing to give the coat off our backs if our kids are cold.  We are always there if our kid just needs a good cry because someone was being mean to them at school, but who is there when we need it? We always try and put on a front and try to be someone who never breaks, but sometimes we need to accept that we do need the coat sometimes and we do need the hugs where we can just cry it all out.  But I think the one thing we truly have to remember is to never let the faith die.  Always remember we are not ever alone! There is always someone there to listen to us.

As I was sitting there contemplating life I decided that I needed to take a trip to the temple that is so close to me.  I went by myself to the 6:30 session and just really took it all in.  At first I went through my head all the things i needed to do instead of being at the temple. But then I remembered it could all wait.  I needed to focus on me.  When the session ended I took out a bible and just flipped to a page.  It was Luke 1 verses 28, 30, 37
28  And the angel came in unto her (Mary), and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women.
30  And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary; for thou hast found favour with God.
37  For with God nothing shall be impossible.

These scriptures have helped me in so many ways these past couple of months.  I know that through God anything is possible.  As I have written this I feel more at peace than I have in quite some time.  I thought that the trip I took to the temple was my special healer, but I still struggle.  I still have my moments of weakness.  But I do know that I can do this.  I do know that I can help someone else that may be struggling.  I didn't write this for the sympathy of others.  I didn't write this so the whole world knows that I am struggling.  I wrote this in the hopes that maybe another woman can see that it is okay.  That there is help and that there are other women out there that are struggling along with them.







Monday, June 20, 2016

Kyle

Alright now that I have internet in our home I can finally write Kyle's birth story.  Although its not much different from many other birth stories I still need to write it down so I remember. 

We went to the hospital on June 6, 2016 at 7 am.  We checked in and walked down to our room.  By about 8 I was all hooked up to pitocin and was starting to contract just a little bit. My family didn't want to miss this one so there were all there around 8:30.  My parents brought the girls down and took care of them that entire day! When the girls got there they were fascinated by everything that was going on.  They loved to look at my IV. So I explained it to them and told them it gave me medicine so I could have baby Kyle.  Kennedy then asked if it gave me attitude also and I said yeah I guess in a way it does. (because they wouldn't want to be in there once things started progressing because I might not be super nice.) Kennedy also loved to listen to the heart monitor that was attached to my belly. 



The Anesthesiologist came in and told me his schedule.  He said that he had a surgery he had to be in at 11:30 so he asked if I wanted him to just put the epidural in right then but not turn it on until I needed it. I agreed that was probably the best so that is what he did.  My contractions were getting stronger but still not very bad.  My nurse came in and turned the Pit up all the way, and once she did that I figured that I would cruise and the baby would be here before noon.  Well that came and went and my contractions just completely stopped.  I was really bummed and thought I would be getting sent home.  I just wasn't progressing like I should have and the pit just wasn't working.  I was getting nervous and worried about what was going to happen to me.  My mom had been sent home before so I thought for sure that would happen to me.  
Around 2:00 my dr. came in and checked me and decided that I was at a 5, which meant I could have my waters broke.  A sigh of relief came over me and I knew that after he broke my water that I couldn't go home.  Well shortly after he did this, the contractions started coming.  Every one of them became just a little stronger and a little longer.  The nurse came in and asked if I was ready for the Anesthesiologist to come in and turn on my epidural, I said they weren't quite that strong yet, but probably in the next 15 minutes I would be ready.  Well that 15 mins came, and oh boy was I ready to get that medicine! Well come to find out he was in another surgery and I would have to wait. During this time, Kennedy was very concerned with how I was feeling.  Whenever she is getting a shot or something painful that she is going through, We ask her if she wants to hold our hand to make her feel better, so what does she do? She comes up to me hands me her hand and says, "mommy do you need to hold my hand to make you feel better?" Little kids are seriously so amazing they always know how to help in the very best way.   The contractions were very strong now, so much so that my family all went out into the waiting room because they didn't want the girls seeing me in pain.  After about an hour of very intense very strong contractions the Anesthesiologist was done with surgery and was ready to come turn on my epidural.  That took about 15 minutes, so it was now about 3:30.  For some reason when I get epidural's it only works for one side.  So while my left side is completely numb my right side has almost full feeling.  It sure makes for crazy sensations.  About 3:45 my nurse Mary decided she would check me.  She said I was about a 7 so she said we still had a little while.  My nurse said that she didn't get to see too many births because she was always the morning shift so most of the time the women didn't have their babies early enough.  So when I first got there I told her that she would get to help with my birth.  She still didn't think it would happen as we only had until 6:30.  I told her it still would.  We were also competing with a girl in the room next to us.  We were both super close to having our babies that the nurses were in a competition. 
Well my nurse left the room and said she was going to go get stuff to drain my bladder before I had the baby.  So she left the room and I just relaxed for a bit because I was pretty exhausted.  At about 4, only 15 minutes later I told David that he needed to go get the nurse because I thought the baby was down and ready to come out.  The nurse made her way down and decided to check me even though she just did no more than 15 minutes before and I was only a 7.  She really didn't think I was even close to being ready, but she decided that maybe she should check me just in case.  She was very surprised when the babies head was right there and he indeed was ready to come! She immediately went and called the Dr and told him he needed to get over there right away! 
The Dr came rushing over and started slowly getting things ready, thinking he still had plenty of time.  He then decided he would also check me just to make sure the nurse was really accurate.  So he checked me and decided that he needed to hurry quite a bit faster as the baby's head was right there.  He kept telling me to not push and to hold him in there.  With every contraction I could feel him coming down just a little bit more.  The dr. got himself dressed and relied on the nurse to get everything else ready because he just didn't have time.   
Two and a half pushes later and Kyle David Allred made his way into the world at 4:16pm (16:16) So his birthday is 6-6-16 and he was born at 16:16.  What a great birthday! He weighed 8lbs 2oz and was 21 inches long.  We are completely smitten with him and love him to death.  David had a hard time with this birth as in he almost passed out, because I actually ended up hemorrhaging and it made David sick seeing all that blood.  I ended up getting a shot to get my blood to clot better and that helped pretty quickly.  That definitely made recovering a little more difficult because I got some pretty severe headaches that weren't very fun. 
He has the greatest big sisters that just love him to death and can't get enough of him.  We love to cuddle him and watch all his facial expressions.  
I think I got everything, but I may end up adding to it later.  Sorry for the picture overload!