I just need a break, I can't do this any more, I need a vacation away from my family, these were the words I kept saying. Its all I could think about. I didn't know how to get released. I didn't know where I could go. I didn't know who I could tell. All I knew is that I needed a break. I needed a break from life, from my kids, husband, house work, everything. I needed to do something for me! But why? I have 3 beautiful kids, a beautiful house, a great husband who has a good job that supports us financially, loving family members and food on the table every night, I have a strong religion that helps my spirituality and faith, and I have things for my kids for Christmas. But something was still missing. My life still felt empty.
I was finding fault in everything. I was blaming everyone else for everything. I was being so negative in everything I was doing. Constantly yelling at my kids. Barking at them just for wanting a hug. I wasn't even thinking, they are kids they should be acting as such. But the crying, the yelling, the running around the house was making me turn into such a beast. My youngest who is now almost 6 months has been really tough. He cries so often. He has been extremely fussy lately and I didn't how to handle it. I try and feed him and the girls run up and distract him. I put him down and he just cried more. I just felt like there was no hope. There wasn't anything that was helping. I hadn't ever felt this way before. I didn't like it, but I didn't know what else to do or be. I was lost. I was broken. I was inadequate. I wasn't a good mom, I wasn't a good wife, or homemaker, or primary teacher. I wasn't anything. Why was I faking it until I made it? I felt like I was never going to make it. Instead I was faking it until I broke. I felt like I was in the very lowest part of my life. I had hit rock bottom. I needed a hand up but I didn't know where to look for it. Why did God give me all these things to be, but not give me the necessary skills to accomplish them? Why did God trust me to teach these 3 beautiful children more about Him, or more about the world we live in? I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. I didn't find joy in being with my kids. I didn't find joy in anything. I was stuck in this pit that didn't have any way out. I was ignoring everything around me. I just plain didn't care! I was working out, eating right and trying to do those things that usually helped me feel good, but it just wasn't working. I didn't want to admit it but I was defeated! But I couldn't be this was my calling in life. To be a mother, wife and homemaker. Why couldn't I be that?...
This is real. This is the life of Post-Partum Depression. It is a real thing. I didn't think it was. I wondered how could a woman not love her kids. How could an amazing mom & housewife, just crack and just not be okay? How was this so. How could you just not feel anything? Well I found out first hand. I found out what it was like to suffer and to not be okay.
I think that we as moms hold ourselves to such a high standard, a standard that is so unattainable that when we aren't that "Supermom" we become broken. When we maybe go to the grocery store in a mom bun and yoga pants, with all 3 kids in their PJ's still it really is okay. At least we got out and got our things done. Its okay if we feed our kids Ramen Noodles for dinner 3 nights in a row just because you didn't have time to make anything else. I know that without a doubt I needed to write this as a letter of hope to myself. I need to remember that although things may not be okay right now, they will get better. Bask in the moments that my kids are playing well together. Take time to hug them. Take time to listen to their stories. Take time to cuddle them. And it is okay to take a break from them sometimes.
I am not one that has suffered with depression my whole life. I am not one that was bullied in school. I am not one that was supposed to have "problems" like this. You always think that will never happen to me. I'm such a happy person. I love my kids way too much to have that happen. And then it strikes. You wonder why? And you wonder how can I overcome this? Why is this happening to me at this point in my life. Life was so easy with my first two. I had Kennedy and went and took College finals 2 weeks after she was born. I had Addi and 4 days after she was born I had to go back to work. Why is this happening with this one when I have all the time in the world with him and with my kids? I think we as moms need an outlet at times. We need to get out of the house and just be us momentarily. We need to remember who we were before we had kids. But we also need to remember that we matter too. Our needs matter. We are always willing to give the coat off our backs if our kids are cold. We are always there if our kid just needs a good cry because someone was being mean to them at school, but who is there when we need it? We always try and put on a front and try to be someone who never breaks, but sometimes we need to accept that we do need the coat sometimes and we do need the hugs where we can just cry it all out. But I think the one thing we truly have to remember is to never let the faith die. Always remember we are not ever alone! There is always someone there to listen to us.
As I was sitting there contemplating life I decided that I needed to take a trip to the temple that is so close to me. I went by myself to the 6:30 session and just really took it all in. At first I went through my head all the things i needed to do instead of being at the temple. But then I remembered it could all wait. I needed to focus on me. When the session ended I took out a bible and just flipped to a page. It was Luke 1 verses 28, 30, 37
28 And the angel came in unto her (Mary), and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women.
30 And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary; for thou hast found favour with God.
37 For with God nothing shall be impossible.
These scriptures have helped me in so many ways these past couple of months. I know that through God anything is possible. As I have written this I feel more at peace than I have in quite some time. I thought that the trip I took to the temple was my special healer, but I still struggle. I still have my moments of weakness. But I do know that I can do this. I do know that I can help someone else that may be struggling. I didn't write this for the sympathy of others. I didn't write this so the whole world knows that I am struggling. I wrote this in the hopes that maybe another woman can see that it is okay. That there is help and that there are other women out there that are struggling along with them.