Broken!

You guys I broke! Last night I just broke.  I have been doing so good I have kept my temper cool and calm and handled situations with my kids without any yelling.  Until last night! Last night was not my night.  I was on day 2 of taking care of a sick, very needy little girl.  I hadn't gotten any sleep in 2 nights Davy had worked the last 2 nights and still had 3 to go and I just couldn't keep my cool.  I put Kyle to bed and he went down so easily.  Now it was time to get the girls to bed. It was already 1 hr past their bed time so I knew it would be difficult.  I asked them nicely to get their jammies on and get ready for bed while I went to the bathroom.  The entire time I was in there I heard yelling and crying and fighting.  I stayed in there a little longer to see if they would work things out and it just kept escalading, well my temper escaladed as well and I snapped! I got so upset.  I'm sure the whole neighborhood could hear. I immediately regretted my decision.  I scared my kids.  I scared myself! Why did I just do that? I didn't even fully know what had happened I just assumed the worst and I snapped!
Why is it so much easier to have patience with other kids and let them do things on their own time.  I just did a photoshoot the other day with the sweetest family.  I LOVE working with kids! It is something I really enjoy.  But I also know things have to be on their time.  And guess what, I give them that time.  I know that eventually they will come around and want to take part in what we are doing.  I always look for ways to interest them and make them want to be involved.  So why can't I do this with my own kids? Why do I struggle so much in the motherhood department. 
Sometimes it is just really hard! It is a job I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING yet it pushes me to my limits so often.  My house has suffered because I have spent so much time cuddling sick babies.  Yet I still feel so overworked.  At the end of the day I am always so exhausted!  It is my goal to be more patient! To treat my kids with more respect and to gain an understanding of where they are coming from. 

Last night I turned a new leaf.  How will my kids remember me? Will they remember me as the mom that always has my nose in my computer/phone? Or will they remember me as someone that played with them and was there for them? Will they remember me as the mom that always yelled at them and didn't ever take time to listen? Or will they remember me as the mom that understood and listened to them and helped them to understand the way they are feeling?
I want my kids to remember me for the good! I want them to bring their friends over and I want them to want to be home.  I love my kids with every fiber of my being! I love them more than words can describe! Although I may have been broken, I am picking up the pieces I am becoming the mom that my kids need! This world is so harsh, they need the example that I know I can be!


"When life changes to be harder, Change yourself to be stronger.
What hurts you today makes you stronger tomorrow."
Edwin Mamarto