I Found My Outlet!

For those of you that were brave enough to read my first post, thank you! Thank you for your input and support! Thank you for being there for me! I do know that there are people out there that are willing to listen and that are there to talk to. So I thank you for that.

As I was sitting here writing about my experiences I have been having, I was being "that mom".  The mom that only saw the negative things in my kids.  The mom that just wanted to be alone, the mom that snapped at every little thing my kids were doing. I was being that mom I was just explaining in my blog and I didn't even realize it.  I didn't realize it until I wasn't being "that mom".  As I got further and further into writing my feelings out I realized I became more patient, more kind, more understanding, and a better mom.  As I was making myself more and more vulnerable I found I was becoming a better person.  At first I saw my kids a bugging me, yelling, screaming, running around the house, when they really should have been in bed.  But as I kept writing I found the good in them running around the house and laughing.  The girls were actually getting along, they were playing really well with each other.  They were getting all their energy out so they would sleep great.  I saw all of these qualities that just a few minutes before I had missed.  It was amazing how quickly that switch flipped.  I couldn't even believe what I was seeing and how drastic the change had been.

I was really hesitant to posting that first post about PPD.  I would share it to my facebook page then I would delete it.  I did that a couple of times.  I was finally getting ready to delete it for real when Kennedy needed me. We forgot to have family prayer, so I left my phone and went in and had prayer with her.  When I returned I already had comments on my post, I still second guessed ever posting it because of how vulnerable it made me.  I really put myself out there and I didn't like how uncomfortable it made me.  But as I woke up  this morning I felt such a heavy burden was lifted up off my shoulders! I felt so much lighter and I felt like it was a new start.

So as I battle with this I hope to not only help myself overcome these feelings inside of me, but I hope to inspire those around me and hope to build a strong connection with other people that may be drowning, and not know how to come back up.

Thank you again to everyone for your love and support!


And now some Wednesday inspiration.  This is one of my most favorite talks!

Good things to come

PPD

I just need a break, I can't do this any more, I need a vacation away from my family, these were the words I kept saying.  Its all I could think about.  I didn't know how to get released.  I didn't know where I could go.  I didn't know who I could tell.  All I knew is that I needed a break. I needed a break from life, from my kids, husband, house work, everything.  I needed to do something for me! But why? I have 3 beautiful kids, a beautiful house, a great husband who has a good job that supports us financially, loving family members and food on the table every night, I have a strong religion that helps my spirituality and faith, and I have things for my kids for Christmas.  But something was still missing.  My life still felt empty.

I was finding fault in everything.  I was blaming everyone else for everything.  I was being so negative in everything I was doing.  Constantly yelling at my kids.  Barking at them just for wanting a hug.  I wasn't even thinking, they are kids they should be acting as such.  But the crying, the yelling, the running around the house was making me turn into such a beast.  My youngest who is now almost 6 months has been really tough.  He cries so often.  He has been extremely fussy lately and I didn't how to handle it.  I try and feed him and the girls run up and distract him.  I put him down and he just cried more.  I just felt like there was no hope.  There wasn't anything that was helping.  I hadn't ever felt this way before.  I didn't like it, but I didn't know what else to do or be.  I was lost.  I was broken.  I was inadequate.  I wasn't a good mom, I wasn't a good wife, or homemaker, or primary teacher.  I wasn't anything. Why was I faking it until I made it? I felt like I was never going to make it.  Instead I was faking it until I broke.  I felt like I was in the very lowest part of my life.  I had hit rock bottom.  I needed a hand up but I didn't know where to look for it. Why did God give me all these things to be, but not give me the necessary skills to accomplish them? Why did God trust me to teach these 3 beautiful children more about Him, or more about the world we live in? I couldn't do it.  I didn't want to do it.  I wanted to stay in bed and do nothing.  I didn't find joy in being with my kids.  I didn't find joy in anything.  I was stuck in this pit that didn't have any way out.  I was ignoring everything around me.  I just plain didn't care! I was working out, eating right and trying to do those things that usually helped me feel good, but it just wasn't working.  I didn't want to admit it but I was defeated! But I couldn't be this was my calling in life.  To be a mother, wife and homemaker.  Why couldn't I be that?...

This is real.  This is the life of Post-Partum Depression.  It is a real thing.  I didn't think it was.  I wondered how could a woman not love her kids.  How could an amazing mom & housewife, just crack and just not be okay? How was this so. How could you just not feel anything?  Well I found out first hand.  I found out what it was like to suffer and to not be okay.

I think that we as moms hold ourselves to such a high standard, a standard that is so unattainable that when we aren't that "Supermom" we become broken.  When we maybe go to the grocery store in a mom bun and yoga pants, with all 3 kids in their PJ's still it really is okay.  At least we got out and got our things done.  Its okay if we feed our kids Ramen Noodles for dinner 3 nights in a row just because you didn't have time to make anything else.  I know that without a doubt I needed to write this as a letter of hope to myself.  I need to remember that although things may not be okay right now, they will get better.  Bask in the moments that my kids are playing well together.  Take time to hug them. Take time to listen to their stories.  Take time to cuddle them.  And it is okay to take a break from them sometimes.

I am not one that has suffered with depression my whole life.  I am not one that was bullied in school.  I am not one that was supposed to have "problems" like this.  You always think that will never happen to me.  I'm such a happy person.  I love my kids way too much to have that happen.  And then it strikes.  You wonder why? And you wonder how can I overcome this?  Why is this happening to me at this point in my life.  Life was so easy with my first two.  I had Kennedy and went and took College finals 2 weeks after she was born.  I had Addi and 4 days after she was born I had to go back to work.  Why is this happening with this one when I have all the time in the world with him and with my kids? I think we as moms need an outlet at times.  We need to get out of the house and just be us momentarily.  We need to remember who we were before we had kids.  But we also need to remember that we matter too.  Our needs matter.  We are always willing to give the coat off our backs if our kids are cold.  We are always there if our kid just needs a good cry because someone was being mean to them at school, but who is there when we need it? We always try and put on a front and try to be someone who never breaks, but sometimes we need to accept that we do need the coat sometimes and we do need the hugs where we can just cry it all out.  But I think the one thing we truly have to remember is to never let the faith die.  Always remember we are not ever alone! There is always someone there to listen to us.

As I was sitting there contemplating life I decided that I needed to take a trip to the temple that is so close to me.  I went by myself to the 6:30 session and just really took it all in.  At first I went through my head all the things i needed to do instead of being at the temple. But then I remembered it could all wait.  I needed to focus on me.  When the session ended I took out a bible and just flipped to a page.  It was Luke 1 verses 28, 30, 37
28  And the angel came in unto her (Mary), and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women.
30  And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary; for thou hast found favour with God.
37  For with God nothing shall be impossible.

These scriptures have helped me in so many ways these past couple of months.  I know that through God anything is possible.  As I have written this I feel more at peace than I have in quite some time.  I thought that the trip I took to the temple was my special healer, but I still struggle.  I still have my moments of weakness.  But I do know that I can do this.  I do know that I can help someone else that may be struggling.  I didn't write this for the sympathy of others.  I didn't write this so the whole world knows that I am struggling.  I wrote this in the hopes that maybe another woman can see that it is okay.  That there is help and that there are other women out there that are struggling along with them.

Kyle

Alright now that I have internet in our home I can finally write Kyle's birth story.  Although its not much different from many other birth stories I still need to write it down so I remember. 

We went to the hospital on June 6, 2016 at 7 am.  We checked in and walked down to our room.  By about 8 I was all hooked up to pitocin and was starting to contract just a little bit. My family didn't want to miss this one so there were all there around 8:30.  My parents brought the girls down and took care of them that entire day! When the girls got there they were fascinated by everything that was going on.  They loved to look at my IV. So I explained it to them and told them it gave me medicine so I could have baby Kyle.  Kennedy then asked if it gave me attitude also and I said yeah I guess in a way it does. (because they wouldn't want to be in there once things started progressing because I might not be super nice.) Kennedy also loved to listen to the heart monitor that was attached to my belly. 

The Anesthesiologist came in and told me his schedule.  He said that he had a surgery he had to be in at 11:30 so he asked if I wanted him to just put the epidural in right then but not turn it on until I needed it. I agreed that was probably the best so that is what he did.  My contractions were getting stronger but still not very bad.  My nurse came in and turned the Pit up all the way, and once she did that I figured that I would cruise and the baby would be here before noon.  Well that came and went and my contractions just completely stopped.  I was really bummed and thought I would be getting sent home.  I just wasn't progressing like I should have and the pit just wasn't working.  I was getting nervous and worried about what was going to happen to me.  My mom had been sent home before so I thought for sure that would happen to me.  

Around 2:00 my dr. came in and checked me and decided that I was at a 5, which meant I could have my waters broke.  A sigh of relief came over me and I knew that after he broke my water that I couldn't go home.  Well shortly after he did this, the contractions started coming.  Every one of them became just a little stronger and a little longer.  The nurse came in and asked if I was ready for the Anesthesiologist to come in and turn on my epidural, I said they weren't quite that strong yet, but probably in the next 15 minutes I would be ready.  Well that 15 mins came, and oh boy was I ready to get that medicine! Well come to find out he was in another surgery and I would have to wait. During this time, Kennedy was very concerned with how I was feeling.  Whenever she is getting a shot or something painful that she is going through, We ask her if she wants to hold our hand to make her feel better, so what does she do? She comes up to me hands me her hand and says, "mommy do you need to hold my hand to make you feel better?" Little kids are seriously so amazing they always know how to help in the very best way.   The contractions were very strong now, so much so that my family all went out into the waiting room because they didn't want the girls seeing me in pain.  After about an hour of very intense very strong contractions the Anesthesiologist was done with surgery and was ready to come turn on my epidural.  That took about 15 minutes, so it was now about 3:30.  For some reason when I get epidural's it only works for one side.  So while my left side is completely numb my right side has almost full feeling.  It sure makes for crazy sensations.  About 3:45 my nurse Mary decided she would check me.  She said I was about a 7 so she said we still had a little while.  My nurse said that she didn't get to see too many births because she was always the morning shift so most of the time the women didn't have their babies early enough.  So when I first got there I told her that she would get to help with my birth.  She still didn't think it would happen as we only had until 6:30.  I told her it still would.  We were also competing with a girl in the room next to us.  We were both super close to having our babies that the nurses were in a competition. 

Well my nurse left the room and said she was going to go get stuff to drain my bladder before I had the baby.  So she left the room and I just relaxed for a bit because I was pretty exhausted.  At about 4, only 15 minutes later I told David that he needed to go get the nurse because I thought the baby was down and ready to come out.  The nurse made her way down and decided to check me even though she just did no more than 15 minutes before and I was only a 7.  She really didn't think I was even close to being ready, but she decided that maybe she should check me just in case.  She was very surprised when the babies head was right there and he indeed was ready to come! She immediately went and called the Dr and told him he needed to get over there right away! 

The Dr came rushing over and started slowly getting things ready, thinking he still had plenty of time.  He then decided he would also check me just to make sure the nurse was really accurate.  So he checked me and decided that he needed to hurry quite a bit faster as the baby's head was right there.  He kept telling me to not push and to hold him in there.  With every contraction I could feel him coming down just a little bit more.  The dr. got himself dressed and relied on the nurse to get everything else ready because he just didn't have time.   

Two and a half pushes later and Kyle David Allred made his way into the world at 4:16pm (16:16) So his birthday is 6-6-16 and he was born at 16:16.  What a great birthday! He weighed 8lbs 2oz and was 21 inches long.  We are completely smitten with him and love him to death.  David had a hard time with this birth as in he almost passed out, because I actually ended up hemorrhaging and it made David sick seeing all that blood.  I ended up getting a shot to get my blood to clot better and that helped pretty quickly.  That definitely made recovering a little more difficult because I got some pretty severe headaches that weren't very fun. 
He has the greatest big sisters that just love him to death and can't get enough of him.  We love to cuddle him and watch all his facial expressions.  
I think I got everything, but I may end up adding to it later.  Sorry for the picture overload!

Updates!

So since I am now almost half way done with this pregnancy I guess I should do an update on me as well as the girls.  

How far along? 19.5 weeks 

How big is baby? About 6 inches long and weighs about 8.5 ounces.  Roughly the size of a zucchini.  

Total Weight gain: 4 lbs, which is the least I have been at in this point in pregnancy.  I think it was because I was a lot sicker with this little one than I was with either of my girls.  

Maternity Clothes? Yes! I am carrying him pretty low, as in he still is resting on my poor bladder! I do love sweat pants and t-shirt though since I only have one pair of Maternity jeans because I didn't have to wear them with the girls. 

Sleep: What's that? Honestly I don't get much of it these days.  I'm usually a tummy sleeper so having a big bulging tummy in the way isn't exactly the easiest.  

Best moment of the week? I know this will sound strange but it was probably when our TV went out, because then it kind of forced me to play with the girls and vice versa. It was neat actually playing with them and not having that distraction.  

Baby movement: Yes finally, he is moving around like crazy.  They still aren't super strong fierce kicks but they are certainly not gas bubbles either! 

Food Cravings: ANYTHING Sweet!! I have never had such a big sweet tooth in my life! 

Gender: As far as we know its a BOY!

Labor Signs: Last night was the first time I have ever felt anything remotly close to labor.  I had some pretty good braxton hicks that lasted most of the night.  Which was strange because I never felt those like that with the girls.  

Symptoms: mild heartburn, nausea in the mornings, peeing all the time, and my favorite, baby kicks!

Belly Button in or out? In

Happy or Moody most of the time: usually happy, but it also doesn't take much to push my buttons.  

Well those are my stats at the almost half way point!! Kennedy tells me constantly that she cannot wait until its summer time because that means that baby Kyle will be here.  (Kyle is what she has named him).  She is going to be such a great big sister.  

Addi is now 19 months and is crazy as ever.  Some of Addis new things are: She is really starting to talk.  I can usually understand her and what she is saying.  She knows most of her body parts.  Loves trying to sing along with nursery rhymes.  Her favorite person is her nana.  She loves to be a tattle tale, if anyone is beating up on someone else even if just for play then she has to come tell someone.  She is our little climber/ daredevil.  Which is something we aren't used to at all.  Kennedy was always content just being on the floor.  Addi loves to cuddle and is very loveable.  If anyone, especially her big sister is hurt she has to hug them better.  She is our little red headed (well strawberry blond) spitfire and is so much fun! Lately she has been obsessed with Mickey and Minnie Mouse and any time she sees anything with them she gets so excited! She loves nursery and playing with little kids. She HATES having any kind of pretty in her hair and she will usually rip it out the second you put it in.  

Kennedy is now a little over 3 years old.  She is so smart and blows me away every day.  She always says the funniest things and we now have a quote wall for her.  Her favorite color is pink.  Her favorite animals are elephants, giraffes, and monkeys.  Her favorite food it cereal.  Her favorite thing to do is play with friends.  Kennedy is also very loving.  But she also can be a bit of a tease.  She is willing to jump in and help whenever needed and she loves using her imagination.  Her favorite song is I love to see the temple and she can sing every word.  She also loves the song Butterfly Kisses and can sing most of that song too.  She loves singing in the shower and will sing at the top of her lungs.  She loves looking pretty and dressing up.  She loves tea parties and loves putting on lotion.  

We are loving our girls and are loving watching them learn and grow! They are both so much fun! I know they will be such great big sisters and I know that they will help out so much!! I'm so grateful for David and all his hard work in supporting our family! We have a lot of things coming up this year and I am so excited yet anxious for everything in our near future!